Music : Tangga - Ahh
Mood : Depressed

I feel unpleasant - I don’t understand this feeling.

I don’t really know what I’m depressed about either - I just feel dejected. Lonely? No, I don’t think so. Sad? No, I’m not sad. Work? No, it doesn’t really ring a bell.

I’ve got this bad emotion clinging on me but I can’t seem to find the root and antidote for it.

There’s something amiss but what the hell is it?!

Posted: July 7th, 2008 under bad days, daily.
Comments: 5

Music : Jon McClaughlin - So Close
Mood : Rejected

I watched Enchanted for the first time today. I watched it twice, actually - back to back. I absolutely love the story.

My favourite parts are:

and

… this movie just made it into my favourite movies list again. Patrick Dempsey gets all the nice roles! I heart him. He plays them so well. I’ve never watched Grey’s Anatomy before, so I never knew how he was like but him being in Maid of Honor and Enchanted just got me stuck on him! He’s a sweetie!

Fantasy aside, love is no fairytale. It’s hard work. It doesn’t happen at first sight. It takes time to grow. It takes effort to maintain. It takes words and actions to show. It’s not always happiness - sometimes you just have to grit your teeth just so you’ll survive the day. I have to stop watching love stories, they’re distorting my perception of reality. First they get my moods up high just to discover the next minute that everything comes crumbling down on me, because love is not like what you see in the movies.

It’s not a you-know I-know thing. It’s an I-have-to-remind-you-I-love-you-everyday thing.  It’s a I-have-to-talk-to-you-everyday thing. It’s a hold-my-hand-on-train-rides thing. It’s an I-have-to-tell-you-what’s-wrong-with-me-so-you’ll-know thing. Nobody reads minds. Neither life nor love is a bed of roses. Life is almost robotic, and so is love.

These days you have to find someone who can secure your future, not someone who you meet for a day and suddenly you think it’s true love. These days, chemistry is merely a bonus. You need someone the opposite of you so you can hold your ground.

Yes, love is a mutual thing but you can’t really be loved the way you want to be. That’s selfish. You can’t expect every word that comes out from their mouth to be a sonnet of love. No, not everyone can afford to be romantic. At least, not all the time. It’s a fairytale.

Love is tough. Sometimes you have to hold it all in, just to keep the person for whatever reasons there would be - comfort, loneliness, companionship, security or maybe just for love itself. But why do two people fall in love, really? What makes them stay in love? No, put aside my 8 years of relationship and go back to the basics. I may know everything there is to keeping this 8 years alive, but no, I don’t really know.

But what I do know is, reality bites. And so does this strange thing called LOVE.

Posted: July 6th, 2008 under bad days, daily, euphoria, obsessions.
Comments: none

Music : Kanjani8 - BJ
Mood : Accepting

Whilst being in the inferno of workload, I discovered this in my office’s network yesterday.

“No matter what, the show must go on!”

Hilarious but poor kid!! *gives little boy a great big hug after the show*

–

On a personal note, happy monthsary me darling baby <3

Posted: July 5th, 2008 under bad days, daily, nathalea.
Comments: none

Music : A Band of Bees - This Town
Mood : Romantic

A Band of Bees - This Town
What’s this game that you’re playing
When you stand out of reach
Do your sums before you run
The brightest stones make the brightest beach
This towns got nothing for me
Cheap shots and bad jewellery
Just want to be
where everyone’s free
Lemonade on the sidewalk gives us time to talk
In a great big place
Season to season with the moon and its reason

I’m currently in love with this song - it makes you feel like there’s ocean breeze blowing in your hair. It puts you in a scene by the shore with you lying down on the sunbed with a cocktail in your hand, under an umbrella. You smile at your loved, your loved one smiles back at you. And in your head, your loved one’s face appears close-up and everything moves in slow motion with the sun setting in the horizon. Then you’d want to do a slow hula dance. It makes you want to go to the beach, doesn’t it? It makes me want to go to Hawaii, walk around in my shorts, let my hair down and wear a Pikake lei around my neck and a stem of Plumeria flower in my hair.

*daydreams*

Posted: July 3rd, 2008 under daily, euphoria, obsessions.
Comments: none

Music : Garry Schyman - Praan
Mood : Weary

Whatever you say will one day be used against you. I guess I know why I’m the reserved type, confiding only in people closest to me. And how I don’t fight back in an argument, because I hate to make enemies out of people.  I will absorb all your anger and criticism, because if I let myself go, I know I won’t be able to control myself. And I dislike not having control of my emotions. I’ve seen that side of me before, and I was traumatised of myself because I didn’t know who I became to be.

I hate not being able to talk to people and I hate being ignored.

Everyone in the office is pissed off today, it seems. My boss is pissed. My editor is pissed. My dear roommate is pissed. Even I am pissed. The air-conditioner’s not working. Everyone’s making it worse. No one wants to talk to anyone, but has to. I bet everyone wants to do now is go home and have a good cry.

At least that’s what I want to do, and I don’t care if it doesnt solve anything.

Posted: June 30th, 2008 under bad days, daily.
Comments: 8

Music : The Magic Numbers - This is A Song
Mood : Drained

I need a hug. I need a good long hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I miss Pierre, I want to talk to him. But he’s tired, so he has gone to bed. I’m exhausted out of my wits - I’ve been working my ass off.

I hate my phone. The bill has exceeded by double the actual amount, or so my boss has told me. I guess I won’t be calling home anymore, or anytime soon. Thinking bout it makes me feel even lonelier.

I’m just so so exhausted. And I still have to fucking work tomorrow. On a Sunday.

I haven’t received my month’s salary, and I already know how bloody broke I will be in the upcoming month.

It makes no difference, really. I don’t even have family here. What am I working for anyway? What am I waiting for? What’s end of the road for this choice of life path?

I can’t really complain. Besides, I was the one who brought myself here. But how long can more can I stand being here?

Will Pierre come here to work after he graduates? That not even he himself can guarantee such bliss. He might just get a well-paid job in Malaysia itself. But I’m sick of this doing this long distance relationship thing.

What is my purpose? Next month is my third month here, and I still feel like the first month when I first got here. Is this normal? When will one feel wholly contented after one has gotten one’s first job?

What should I do now? I feel lost and alone. Everyday I put on a smiling face to conceal all my troubles and worries, pretending I’m doing okay.

I think I need a life advisor.

Posted: June 29th, 2008 under bad days, daily.
Comments: 5

Music : The Boy Least Likely To - Be Gentle With Me
Mood : Reserved

I think I like the way how the British say everything long-windedly. At least they get everything they want to say in precise words and leave no room for misunderstandings. Well, at least that’s what I think. I think people nowadays hold a smaller capacity for vocabulary and their choice of words is terrible, I mean, like.. stab to heart, terrible.

People should learn how to elaborate when expressing their disatisfaction. Find good choice of words. Be human. Instead of saying “It looks ugly *stab to the heart* on you” , say “I don’t think it suits you, why don’t you try this?”

Beauty is subjective. Uglyness is non-existent. What’s ugly to you is beautiful to someone else. So shut up, and think of words to say before you actually open your mouth.

Posted: June 26th, 2008 under bad days, daily.
Comments: none

Music : Michael Buble - You Don’t Know Me
Mood : Drowsy

Ugh. Bad idea. Shouldn’t have drunk milk. Now my body thinks that I’m ready for sleep.

I just woke up from a 5-hour nap - been exhausted ever since before the wedding. Had to make up for the lost hours, since I’ve been waking up early every single day including weekends. My poor physical being.

And I’ve been pigging out all week, because I do that for a living. Ngam lah kan? Sudah lah tia cukup tidur, makan macam babi lagi, tsk tsk. I hope to starve myself the next week, since we’ll be closing in on the designs for the food magazines my company handles. It’s gonna be a deadly busy week. And I’m going to look forward to my Barbie Doll Eyelashes Perm the week after! Wee! Something to look forward to.

I bought Maybelline’s Unstoppable Lash Extension Mascara! And I love it! I have never fancied using Mascara before, having always ended up with accidents while applying it; this is the first time in years I’m using it again. Mascara, my new best friend .. next to my concealer, I truly heart!

I don’t think I will be needing to go to M.A.C now. Maybelline just fits the bill.

Posted: June 22nd, 2008 under daily.
Comments: 2

Music : None
Mood : Pissed

Mental note to self:

To state everything in black and white for anything regarding money.

Or be in DEEP shit.

Posted: June 20th, 2008 under bad days, daily.
Comments: 2

Music : Jack Johnson - Better Together
Mood : Happy but drowsy

Hello blog, I’ve missed you!! *gives a big hug to her blog*

Genevieve and Paul got married over the weekend! Genevieve is Pierre’s eldest sister, by the way. And I was one of her bridesmaids. Although the tailor screwed my bridesmaid dress up to kingdom come, I’m really happy that they finally tied the knot. I remember coming over to their place with Pierre for a few weekends, and finding them breaking up. TWICE, I tell you. And I thought Pierre and I were the bad luck. Touch wood.

She wore a beautiful off-white, off-the-shoulder wedding gown with an embroidered and beaded train - a design I think was really meant for her. And she dressed her hair up into a simple up do. And I just can’t help feeling teary and happy for her.

Congratulations, Genevieve and Paul! I wish you a long life full of love!

We had a great time at the wedding reception! Apparently, I have two left feet so I was just moving aimless about half of the time for the Cha-cha Slide line dance, because most of us had to learn it on the spot. I am seriously terrible with anything related with limbs coordination NO MATTER how simple the moves are - My brain can never contain the instructions. I even injured my big toe in the process. But we had tons of fun! Even Pierre and the boys danced to it! And he even learned to sumazau for me, which was really sweet :) *sways*

Now all eyes are on Pierre and I, as it’s only naturally to shift attention to the next sibling in line after the eldest is married. Shite. No, we’re not gonna get married anytime soon, thank you. But it’ll be nice to introduce Pierre with something like “Hi, I’d like you to meet my fiancé, Pierre” rather than “boyfriend”. We’ve been together for 8 years now, for goodness’ sake! :P I feel kind of old for “girlfriend/boyfriend”. I think there should be another way of addressing a couple who has been together for more than 5 years. I’ve been dying to get that French word Vanessa Paradis calls Johnny Depp during an interview. But I can’t seem to find it! YES! I FOUND IT! It’s amoureux :)

“Hi, I’d like you to meet my amoureux, Pierre.”

Anyway, overall it was a good celebration. I helped designed their wedding invitation cards, mass booklets and wedding montage prior to the wedding, too. More to my portfolio, weee ~!

Posted: June 17th, 2008 under daily, euphoria, special days.
Comments: 3

Music : Rachael Yamagata - Quiet
Mood : Doh

Khazrul says (9:43 AM):
fine!..
Khazrul says (9:43 AM):
wr thru!
Khazrul says (9:43 AM):
:P
Khazrul says (9:43 AM):
n u look different in that display pic..
Khazrul says (9:43 AM):
did u…
Khazrul says (9:43 AM):
get a tan?
Khazrul says (9:43 AM):
:P
Tatiana says (9:44 AM):
=))
Tatiana says (9:44 AM):
HAHAHAH
Tatiana says (9:44 AM):
ure so funny
Tatiana says (9:44 AM):
i actually grinned
Tatiana says (9:44 AM):
bloody hell

—

Tatiana says (11:22 AM):
come with me :’(
Tatiana says (11:22 AM):
i dont want to sell myself :’(
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:22 AM):
:p
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:22 AM):
learn to sell
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:22 AM):
selling selling
Tatiana says (11:22 AM):
must meh
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:22 AM):
huahaha
Tatiana says (11:22 AM):
tsk -_-”
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:22 AM):
youre going alone?
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:22 AM):
bawa baru go
Tatiana says (11:23 AM):
HAHA
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
n show ur client
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
nah
Tatiana says (11:23 AM):
=))
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
intro u my baru
Tatiana says (11:23 AM):
my baRU!~
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
n put it on the chair next to u
Tatiana says (11:23 AM):
=))
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
n start talking
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
HAHAHA
Tatiana says (11:23 AM):
=))
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
*insane*
(F) CARYN @ ????? @ ?? says (11:23 AM):
.hahahe
Tatiana says (11:23 AM):
macam br bean
Tatiana says (11:23 AM):
mr*

Posted: June 6th, 2008 under daily, obsessions.
Comments: 2

Music : Nay
Mood : Stuffed

Dear Baby,

Thank you for having my back when the times are rough. Thank you for the laughters, even though more than half of the time, it’s about something silly I did or said. Okay, I know! I’m silly! But you are silly too sometimes. And you become even more annoying when you don’t admit it. And I can never make fun of you successfully, I don’t know why.

And Baby, I know my expectations are impossible sometimes, but thank you for taking the effort to sweep me off my feet, even though I have to beg at times. You may deserve being slapped by me for what you say occasionally, but in reality, you do make sense. But, soften it for me please.. I can’t take it like a man, I’ve got more estrogens, you know :(

Now you get your degree, and get your ass in Singapore, boy! I miss you like hell!

With much much love and kisses,
Tatiana :*

Posted: June 4th, 2008 under nathalea.
Comments: none

Music : Subaru & Yasu - Desire
Mood : Sick

There’s a cloud in my head. A crown of clenching fists around my skull. My nostrils feel like there’s a stick wedged in either one. And I feel like I’m wearing tight goggles that can’t be taken off.

Posted: June 2nd, 2008 under bad days, daily.
Comments: none

Music : David Cook - Straight Ahead
Mood : Worn out

Janice and I had a short conversation about Men and Women on our way to Vivocity this afternoon. And I said that men are naturally good in everything, but they take their power for granted and THAT enrages women who in response, strive to be better than the men in possibly everything. And sometimes women even try too hard to do things better than men. Some men let go of responsibilities, because they know that their women will always pick up after them; that they know that they’re in good hands. Either that, or they just choose to bum out and be losers. And if they do have girlfriends, it’s either they’re bloody good-looking, filthy rich, or maybe great in bed. Women can naturally survive without the need of a man, but have the choice to pick out the good products to enhance their lives; this I mean good responsible men. What do you think?

As for group projects, the male members are generally the indolent ones, especially when paired up with female members; leaving most of the work to the girls. I’d been blessed with boys who worked and cooperated in group projects during my university days - instead of just taking credit for what’s already been done. But, can you count how many boys who are willing to work properly and be the best that they can? From my experience and observation, a mere handful.

But maybe, it’s just what I observed considering where I come from, and someone else might think otherwise.

YEAH I do think men have a lot of power. Some men just choose not to use that power.

Posted: June 1st, 2008 under daily.
Comments: 2

Music : Nay
Mood : Content

Yep, the boyfriend almost missed my birthday, and he was actually happily talking about his birthday present from me on my birthday! Somehow his computer suffered jet lag and showed 26th May on the calendar. He only knew it was 27th May after his friend asked for an assignment deadline, to which he answered “28th May, 2 days from today”; his friend answered “No, it’s tomorrow, today is the 27th”, and he argued saying it was 26th! Proven wrong and ended up panic, he checked his phone, it was 27th May; he checked the internet, it was 27th May. He then realised he was in deep shit. (HAHA dramatic huh?)

I almost lost my patience but I just waited, and suddenly he went, “How does it feel to turn 23 baby?” and I knew right away that he acted cool and pretended that he knew it was my birthday because he mentioned nothing till it was almost 2PM. And I also knew that he was freaking out that I would burst into a bitch fit, but fortunately for him I didn’t, even though I was a tad bit disappointed. But, he made up to me by sending me an ecard, without me having to beg for one. So, that was the sweetest thing!

Seriously, how could anyone stay mad after watching this?

“Lawd, I’m a silly poo poo head!” *blows harmonica*

Although this year’s celebration has been a quiet one and also the 4th time away from home, I’m still as happy as a bird. Today alone I got a wallpaper of Shibutani Subaru from Yuin, had tears in my eyes, i adore it; a hilarious birthday post of Cow & Chicken (because Shibutani Subaru was born in 1981) from my dear roommate , love that one too, made my day; an MP3 for Best I Ever Had cover song by some beautiful female voice from Ehsan, played that the whole day through; birthday emoticons spam from Sharmi; tons of birthday messages from lovely and thoughtful people on my mobile phone, facebook, MSN and Yahoo Messenger; My family calling in from Malaysia; Pierre’s cousin calling in from Pakistan; I’m much happier than I’ve ever been in the past years. I feel loved :)

I don’t need cakes nor candles, I just need people and the moments that come with them… Thank you everyone :)

Posted: May 28th, 2008 under daily, euphoria, special days.
Comments: 1

Music : Unknown - Best I Ever Had (Cover Song)
Mood : Amused

Guess what? The boyfriend hasn’t wished me a happy birthday, haha. I find it amusing though. No, he’s not gonna be dead meat. That’s so immature.

Let’s see till when this will last. It’ll be so funny when he actually remembers, and thinks that I’m gonna be pissed like any other girl whose boyfriends forgot their special day. Well, let’s just wait :P

Posted: May 27th, 2008 under daily, nathalea.
Comments: none

Music : Unknown - Best I Ever Had (Cover Song)
Mood : Amused

Ikhwan:
i know *censored* asking like… ‘tu siapa tu’ during usrah cake decoration competition
Ikhwan:
but i didnt realize later on something going on
Tatiana:
=))
Ikhwan:
until *censored* told me…
Tatiana:
:-j
Tatiana:
quiet quiet hahh…
Ikhwan:
hahahah
Ikhwan:
yalo yalo
Tatiana:
=))

Cute, haha.

Posted: May 27th, 2008 under daily, euphoria.
Comments: none

Music : Unknown - Best I Ever Had (Cover Song)
Mood : Content

In the words of the soulmate of my character, Mr Cabreney: “Happy Turning 23, Tatiana…” and those were the exact words I wanted to hear today.

The number 23 is just lovely and I’m happy to turn 23 today.

Thank you everyone for your lovely wishes, be-earlied or belated, alike. I think 23 is the best age ever! Although my 23rd birthday is a quiet one, I’m quite content with the tranquility. I don’t wish for anyone else to know. I want to find private joy on my special day. You know, it’s like a tiny crush you don’t want anyone else to know about - that feeling. In fact, this day should be dedicated to my mom, for carrying me for nine months, don’t you think?

I like private company; rather than larger ones. I like to focus my attention at one on one basis. And maybe that’s the reason why I like my birthdays quiet with close friends. No, I don’t think I’ve grown out of fun, I’m still a girl at heart. I just spend my fun time with my own people, and my people know what fun I like. I’m rather simple, I think - I find pleasure in little nothings. Bring me to the movies, I’m happy! Bring me to the zoo, I’m happy! Bring me to a new restaurant, I’m happy! Bring me to the beach, I’m happy! I don’t need expensive gifts, I can earn those on my own. I feel that experiences mean more to me than birthday gifts. Now I understand the feeling, because my birthday twin, Christi who lives all the way in US loves experiences more than souvenirs. It makes sense now. I think I’m growing into the whole loving-experience thing.

And I shall invest in a Canon 400D to capture those moments. That will be a birthday present for myself :)

Posted: May 27th, 2008 under euphoria, special days.
Comments: none